Just Another Black
by optimisticrealist72
Summary: Sirius gives Remus a letter and Remus finds out Sirius hasn't been better off. About six months after the Whomping Willow incident, RL/SB, small amount of slash, really angsty.


_So, __this __is __just __a __short __little __something __I __wrote __at __the __end __of __summer __and __forgot __about... __With __a __few __revisions, __I __decided __to __post __it __and __face __the __freaking __music!__ It __was __supposed __to __be __really __short, __but __it __kind __of __developed __a __mind __of __it__'__s __own. __At __the __end, __Remus __starts __to __get __very __OOC, __but __I __can't __fix __that __at __the __moment __without __bringing __myself __to __tears... __If __there __are __any __errors, __please __feel __free __to __correct __me... __Let's __see... __**Warning: **__**Very **__**Angsty, **__**and **__**Slash. **__**Sirius/Remus. **__**Depressed!Sirius, **__**AngrybutConcerned!Remus. **__Summary: __Sirius __writes __Remus __a __letter __and __Remus __finds __out __Sirius __is __worse __off __then __he __thought. __During __their __fifth __year, __Marauder __Era, __about __six __months __after __the __Whomping __Willow __Incident__ (referred __to __as __'The __Prank' __some__where...)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Blah blah blah, everything belongs to the talented J.K. Rowling._

_Edited __for __spelling __and __grammar __on __October __15__th__, __2011._

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_**Just Another Black**_

_Dear Moony,_

_If you're reading this that means you had either thought this was a spare sheet of parchment or your curiosity got the better of you and you wanted to see what I have to say._

_I'm sorry. I know I've said it at least a thousand times and 'sorry' doesn't always cut it, but it helps. I'll always be sorry I betrayed you like that. I know that no matter how many gifts I give you, they will be tossed aside because I can't win our friendship back with objects. So if you would like to hear what was running through my head when I decided to break your trust, read on._

_It started with your damn eyes._

_You hate them, saying they show your 'inner beast' when really they capture the soul. They're bright gold, betraying your every emotion. I watched those eyes from the beginning, the warmth and depth of them, they way they made it hard to concentrate. Those damn eyes had me taken from the first second._

_It continued with your bloody hair._

_Yes, your shaggy blond hair is what caught my attention next. The way it's just long enough to tuck behind your ears while your reading but always fall forwards, the way it splays across your pillow, a golden halo in the darkness. It adds to your glow. I've wanted to run my fingers through that hair since first year._

_Next came those wretched scars._

_Those interesting, painful, criss-crossed scars always held a slight interest to me. Then they were a mystery I wanted to figure out, though I always had the need to trace them lightly with my finger, trailing my lips gently across them. Now, I know all those stories. They add to your beauty. Without them, you would be too perfect. With them, you're perfectly imperfect. Those scars kept me captive since second year._

_Afterwords came that blasted smile._

_Even in our most annoying moments, you'd smile softly or sometimes bless us with a full-blown grin. Even that ghost-of-a-smile makes my day. I've become addicted to the way you full lips would curve up just slightly at first, fighting to keep it in, when one of us would add on to the joke and they'd finally finish their job, brightening my outlook considerably. I still live for those smiles, though I don't see them much. I have since third year._

_Later came that fucking laugh._

_I begged for your laughs, that quick bark of humor that would steal my sanity. You never laughed nearly as much as you smiled, so I worked twice as hard for it. I used to say the one of the quotes you taught me as an excuse for me bothering you. "Boredom, like hell, is hard to get out of." I started living for each precious laugh in fourth year._

_Soon came you._

_I love you. I'm in love with you. That strange day when I told you I was gay, I knew not to expect you to be too. You know some of the worst things about loving you? I can't tell you in person, in fear of ruining that feeble friendship we had. Now that it's ruined, I'm still hesitant to give you this even indirectly, for fear you'll get even angrier. Another thing? Knowing I have no chance. I've loved you since fifth year and knew a week later it could never be. You're as straight as a stick, not to mention too good for just another Black. You were right. My mother would be proud. So you know what happened that day? Here you go._

_I'd finally worked up the courage, planning on giving you some chocolate and admitting my love for you. I had realized I couldn't go on keeping it inside. Then, I saw you and your new girlfriend. Melody, Melony, something like that. You were snogging on the common room couch and I couldn't help but feel the hatred towards her. So I, being the lovesick teen I was, stormed out, taking my frustrations out on whatever came my way. Which, that day, happened to be Snape. He wouldn't stop going on about how he knew what you were, calling you foul things. My temper snapped and I told him to go down to the Whomping Willow and which knot to press. As soon as he scurried off I realized what I had done and went to find James. Who happened to be in detention. So I waited for him. When he finally came, it was almost time. I told him what happened and he called me what I deserved before running off to save Snape's ass. And that's what happened. I was stupid, immature, juvenile, and lovesick. Now, I wish nothing more but to take it back._

_I know sending you this letter is wrong, especially since you hate me and your still going out with said girlfriend. But it's eating me alive and I need to have you know, no matter the consequences. Nothing can be worse then this, right?_

_Love, more then you will ever realize, Sirius aka Just Another Black_

I read the letter again. And again. Multiple times I read it, not believing the words before my eyes. After probably the twelfth time, the paper slipped from my fingers and I caught site of the leather bound book. Frowning, I reached down and grabbed the book off the foot of my bed, tilting it all angles as I examined it. I couldn't even muster my past anger, all I felt was shock, overwhelming and annoying. I opened to a random page and was shocked by what I saw. Sirius, his arm flung carelessly over my shoulder while he tossed his head back, laughing. You could just see the squid's tentacles splashing in the back round. An unwanted smile graced my lips at this small reminder of that time in fourth year. Flipping through the pages, I saw multiple pictures, memories. Moving, captured memories I had never expected him to keep. The Marauders at Christmas, licking candy canes in first year. Our first trip to Hogsmead, with Sirius trying to steal my chocolate. James and I shoveling down candy, racing each other at Halloween. Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail, all in their animagus forms for the first time. Me. Tons of picture of me. Me eating, me reading, me sleeping. The Marauders most memorable pranks. I didn't realize till the last picture that I had tears dripping down my face. It was a picture of me, right before the willow incident, laughing at James' antics. There was a bag of multiple pictures, as he seemed to have run out of room to put them all. They all were secret pictures, all of James, Peter, and I. None of him. They had been taken after The Prank. I collapsed on my bed, looking through each picture individually and rereading the letter.

That's how Sirius found me as he snuck in at night. James and Peter had already gone to bed, asking questions I dismissed easily. Everyone was asleep despite my lamp still being on. Sirius promptly ignored me, walking sullenly into the bathroom to take his shower. For the first time all day, time seemed to drag on, every second seeming like a minute and every minute like a hour. He finally walked out and over to his bed, getting dressed in silence. Werewolf senses picking up, I got a good look at him for the first time in months. The sight killed a small piece inside of me, a part that had cared all that time.

His normally tan skin was dead pale, his gray eyes dull and holding no desire to live. His skin was pulled taught against his cheeks and he was unbearably skinny, as if he was only eating food when being forced. His dark hair, soaking wet, was longer then usual and limp. He looked as if he had never smiled, almost no resemblance to the Sirius I knew. This Sirius was dead. At that exact moment he looked up and met my eyes and I saw the inner battle he was having. Though his expression was smooth, his eyes showed the hurt, how scared he was, and, though he was trying to diminish it, a small flame of hope. I sat up quietly, not taking my eyes of his. He froze where he was, bent over his trunk as if looking for something. I was the first one to speak.

"When was the last time you ate, Black?" He winced at his surname before opening his mouth to speak, but seemingly to have lost the ability to. Shaking his head, he cleared his throat loudly before speaking in a croaky voice, one that showed he hadn't spoken to anyone in a while.

"I don't know. I don't keep track of those things." He shifted slightly, so he was sitting on the floor more comfortable, and his gaze turned expectant, like a dog waiting to get another order.

"What are you looking for?" It wasn't my right, but I was curious.

"My wand and my... uh... potion." He mumbled the last word, a hint of a blush reaching his cheeks. His eyes did not return to their regular state though. They had turned thoroughly depressed.

"What potion?" I snapped, keeping my voice cold. His eyes hardened a bit and he looked like that was the last question he wanted me to ask. I almost prayed for a small glimpse of the old Sirius's rebellious side, but he answered in the same dead voice almost instantly.

"Madame Pomfrey gave it to me." He said, keeping the sentences as short as possible. Taking his eyes off mine, he went back to rummaging in his trunk before pulling out his wand and a clear bottle, filled with a black, thick liquid. He wrinkled his nose at it, climbing gracefully on his bed, sitting at the foot.

"Why? What for? And why do you need your wand?" I was getting personal, I know, but I couldn't let it get to me. I deserved a few answers. Still, I felt a twinge of guilt when pain flashed through his eyes. But at least it was an emotion.

"She said I was starving myself and this," he lifted the potion slightly, "is to help get me back to average weight. I need my wand for silencing spells." I didn't ask why he needed silencing spells, for I already knew. He had had constant nightmares for a while, at first putting up silencing spells till we forced him to take them off. Now he'd gone back to his old habit of suffering in silence. And I didn't like it. I stood up and walked unsteadily to his bed, sitting down next to him.

"Well, drink it then." I said, smiling gently at him. He looked shocked, completely baffled, yet still uncapped the potion and chugged it quickly, grimacing at the taste. The hope in his eyes was back, along with some of his old glint. We sat in silence for a few moments while he put the bottle back and sat next to me again. Waiting for me to say something. After a few minutes, I did.

"No more silencing spells." I stated abruptly, turning around and pulling his comforter back. I grabbed him by the waist and moved him carefully into a lying position on the bed, straightening the pillows as I did so and snatching away his wand. He let out a small gasp of shock, yet didn't struggle. I looked down into those bright gray orbs known as Sirius's eyes.

"Scoot over, Siri." His eyes widened some more at his old nickname and he moved over obediently. I slid onto the bed next to him before yanking the covers up to cover the both of us and cuddling into Sirius's side. He gasped, shocked at my proximity. I leaned up expectantly.

"What, I don't get a hug? That's not nice." There it was. He gave me a weak grin, but a grin nonetheless. He immediately wrapped his arm around my waist, giving it a slight squeeze. Dropping my gaze to his mouth, I did what I had wanted to do since fourth year. I leaned up and kissed him, flat on the mouth. A soft peck, but still a kiss. Pulling back, I rested contently to his side while he stayed with his mouth gaping like a fish, a soft blush coloring his cheeks.

"Love you, Siri." I mumbled, already tired. It wasn't until I was half asleep that I heard his reply.

"Love you too, Remus. Love you too."

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_So? What do you think? Like it? Love it? Hate it? Review! _

_Edited __on __October __15__th__, __2011_


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